


No Man's An Island

by pushingsian



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Mistaken Identity, Mutual Pining, Pining, Tumblr Prompt, post ME1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 06:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23846689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pushingsian/pseuds/pushingsian
Summary: After an explosive argument with Shepard leads to an evening of thinking and drinking for Kaidan, he tries to vent to an old friend hoping for some advice. If only he called the right person.Based on a tumblr prompt from many years ago.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Comments: 15
Kudos: 26





	No Man's An Island

**Author's Note:**

> Beta read by the wonderful @pigeontheoneandonly without whom not only would this piece be much worse, but it also wouldn't have been written in the first place. Thank you again!
> 
> The original prompt can be found at the end.

The metal of Shepard’s door was cool at Kaidan’s back, seeping through his thin t-shirt and causing a chill to creep over his temper-hot skin. His ears rang with the echo of their fight as if each word was a note of a song stuck in his head, the reverberation leaving him shivering as the sweat cooled across his shoulders. He wiped across his brow with the back of his hand and pushed himself away from the door, not knowing where to go other than away.  


Kaidan never considered himself someone who ran from things. His dad had told him from an early age that it was far easier, in the long run, to face things head-on, and throughout the challenges he had faced over the years, he'd always tried to remember that advice. This didn’t feel like running. This felt like two people clinging to somewhere found in an ocean when they needed a safe place to land, but now he was scared that the beach was no more than an island, and Shepard was never one to be stuck anywhere.  


Maybe that was the tug he felt in his chest when he looked at her first thing in the morning, before her eyes opened and she picked up the mantle that had unceremoniously been thrown at her feet. He woke up early every day just so he could savour that moment of serenity and expression of contentment on her delicate, if scarred, features. She was slow to wake, too; The Savior of the Citadel enjoyed her lie-ins with a hedonism he envied. It made him feel like what they shared couldn’t last, that she would get her fill of whatever she saw in him, and he would be forced to watch her sail onto new horizons whilst he sat on that beach with only the sand and waves as company. In a flash of self-pity, he considered that perhaps it would always be that way, that he was always meant to care more about people than they cared about him.  


Kaidan followed his feet to wherever they felt. The Normandy was in dry-dock for a check of all systems, and a much needed deep clean after the months of near constant habitation by the crew, so Adams had barred all but his engineers from being aboard. Sure enough, he ended up outside a bar where he and Shepard had shared drinks, in the midst of the madness when they had a rare half-day of shore leave. They had stumbled upon it when Shepard had got in one of those moods where she had energy to burn, and he decided to keep her company in case she got herself into trouble again.  


_“Fancy a pit stop, LT?”_

_Kaidan turned towards her voice. She had paused outside the bar after walking him around the Presidium for over an hour._

_“Sure, ma’am,” he replied with an easy shrug. “If it’s okay with you?”_

_“We’re finally off the clock, Alenko-- we’re wearing civvies and everything! I think we deserve one beer. They might even have something Canadian for you” Shepard teased with a smirk. She was dressed casually, a soft grey jumper and dark leggings, her faithful combat boots still on her feet. However, she had still accrued more than a couple of appreciative looks on their outing. His jeans and long sleeve tee made him feel almost underdressed._

_Kaidan chuckled. “I doubt it, Shepard, but let’s find out,” he said as he led the way, holding the door for her to step through first._

_Once they had managed to order some promising bottled beers the over-enthusiastic bartender had recommended, Kaidan found himself in a round corner booth. It was all high-back pleather cushions and low lighting, providing a relaxed but none the less intimate atmosphere with Shepard. People might even believe they were on a date. He shifted in his chair at the thought and quickly shrugged it off. Luckily, Shepard distracted him._

_“So L.T., what do you think of our chances for pulling this off?”_  


_“Well, I believe in us. The team, I mean. No offence, but I wouldn’t want to get on your bad side, ma’am.”_  


_Shepard laughed, “I don’t blame you. I can be more than a little hot-headed at times. I don’t think I would want to cross me either”_  


_Kaidan laughed along with her, taking a long drink._  


_Shepard continued, “You don’t seem to mind it.”_  


_He looked up to see her fiddling with the label on her bottle, some Asari beer he’d never been keen on. A small voice in his brain remarked that he might not mind the taste so much on her mouth. He switched his focus to his own drink, chewing over his words for a moment._  


_“You know, I’ve worked with a lot of different people in my time. Some bullied people into doing what they wanted, which, you know, wasn’t great. And some officers thought that following the book by the letter was the way to go. They didn’t let us question their choices, because they had never questioned their superiors’ choices either. They just followed orders, even if those orders were wrong. It’s different with you.”_  


_Kaidan didn’t look up from where his fingers worried at the paper stuck to the side of his bottle; it peeled away in frustrating scraps, leaving long lines of glue striping across the glass. His thumbnail scratched at them absently as he spoke._  


_“I might not always agree with your actions, or how you get things done, but I know you do things for the right reasons. You don’t get bogged down by the red tape, sometimes you take what you want instead of asking, and oddly I can only admire you for that. You listen to us all and consider what everyone brings to the fight even though our team is far from normal. Honestly, Shepard, what we’re doing matters. You seem to be the only one around here that understands what is at stake and is willing to do what it takes to stop it. So I’ll be standing with you, as long as you want me there.”_  


_Shepard was silent for a few long moments, prompting Kaidan to lift his eyes to her. Her gaze was fixed on him, almost unreadable, but with just enough heat to make his skin prickle. In that moment, Kaidan wanted nothing more than for them to be anyone else. The same two people but without the war and the death and the regulations between them. He would offer to take her home, and at the door, she would press her lips to his and he would discover that that bitter Asari ale had notes of sweetness when it was coupled with the scent of her hair in his hands and a depth of honey that could only be described by her low moans._  


_Instead, he drained his beer, slid out of the booth, and did the next best thing._  


_“Walk you back to the ship, ma’am?”_  


  


Kaidan was drawn back to the present by a nudge from a turian briskly walking past, his muttered apology lost in the background noise of passersby. He had been standing here far too long. Absently, he scratched at the stubble on his jaw, and with a sigh, followed a group of young businessmen into the bar. Despite the notoriety that Shepard had accrued in the last year, the rest of the crew had managed to stay relatively anonymous which suited Kaidan just fine.  


It hadn’t changed much, likely its location sheltering it from much of the fallout from Sovereign’s attack. In the short few months since the battle, life for the privileged areas of the Citadel had returned to normal far faster than the poorer areas such as the lower markets and wards. It was an uncomfortable truth, usually excused by a throwaway line about “essential services” that no one but the ones who benefited believed. This being the Presidium, the relaxed atmosphere from before remained, a low level of chatter and moody lighting welcomed him.  


The bartender from before was gone. In his place was a pretty Asari with subtle facial markings and a lilac complexion who gave him a shy smile as he approached the only spare bar stool he could see. “Have you got any whisky?”  


“Yes sir. Would you prefer an Earth variety? Or we have a selection of -”  


“Any Earth one would be great, thanks, with ice.” He didn’t mean to interrupt but he knew from experience how many odd whiskies found their way into bars like these. Then he had another thought. “Actually, last time I was here there was an Asari beer, blue bottle? One of those too, please”  


When the drinks arrived, he tried to apologise for his rudeness with a smile, but she had already moved onto more agreeable patrons.  


Well, the whisky didn’t smell too disappointing. It went down easily in one gulp. The beer was a different matter. It had been a few years since he last tried it, but it was as he remembered, a bitter liquid slightly thicker than you would expect and a harshness that lacked any harmony to mellow, it wasn’t Kaidan’s usual at all. A glance at the label revealed it was, however, strong enough that more than a few would have an effect if he wasn’t careful.  


/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  


He wasn’t careful.  


The group of businessmen he had followed into the bar proved to be good company, but a bad influence. Kaidan quickly surpassed his own limits, which was as surprising as it was ill-advised. It hadn’t helped him deal with the fight he had with Shepard and the thought of heading back to her place held little appeal. What he really wanted was to talk to someone. Someone who knew her and would understand how she could be at times. It was in moments like this that he missed Ash; she would know the right thing to say to him right now. That brought the familiar wave of guilt that alcohol did a wonderful job of amplifying. Who else could he talk to then?  


Joker.  


Kaidan blinked his way through his contact list, which would have been far easier if it stopped blurring into two. Eventually, he managed to send a ping with his location, and an invite to join him off to Joker. As he closed his omnitool, a glass of water appeared in front of him. The bartender gave him a look laced with pity.  


“So originally, I guessed you were a spy working undercover, casing the joint. But I don’t think a professional spy would get as drunk as you are right now. Let’s see what else we can come up, shall we? Scorned ex showed up on your doorstep? No, wait, you lost a game of poker and came here to drown your sorrows as you can’t pay rent this month.”  


That earned her a smile. “Well, I don’t usually lose poker games, I haven’t scorned any exes that I know of, and I’m not that drunk. I could still be a spy.”  


“I’m sure. Drink up, Blasto.”  


He did as instructed and downed the glass, and the one that replaced it. He was in pretty good shape so that coupled with the biotic metabolism enabled him to pay his tab and head outside, shrugging on his jacket. Although artificial, the air was cooler out of the bar, and for a moment his head swam. He was already cursing the fuss his implant was going to kick up in the morning.  


Hm, no new messages from Joker. Kaidan at least expected a sarcastic message asking him if there was no one else he could annoy, or something along those lines. It was only just ticking past midnight, so he hit call and idly paced as he listened to it ring. A short while passed before Kaidan realised that the call had connected.  


“Hey Joker. I know it’s late, but have you got a sec? I fucked things up with Shepard tonight.” He dragged a hand over his mouth. “I know what you’re gonna say, that she’d rather stab her feelings than talk about them, but I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t care. She does, more than you all know.”  


Silence greeted this proclamation. Joker had probably muted him; it wouldn’t be the first time he had decided answering the call would be as far as his friendship stretched.  


He went on anyway. “She just shows it differently. Do you remember when she requisitioned a cheeseburger for Pressly for his birthday because he had told Chakwas one night that it was the one thing he missed about Earth? Or the time Ash’s sister was sick, so Shepard spent the evening doing inventory of the armory and cleaning every gun with her so she had a distraction? They stayed up talking all night. Ash would never say it, but I think that meant a lot to her.”  


Kaidan might as well be speaking to the void for the response this got.  


He stepped over to the thin glass that surrounded every walkway, smartly keeping away from the annoying Avina console before he could trigger it.  


From this vantage point, he could see out along the ring of the Presidium. The lake caught the light bouncing from the artificial sky, currently showing a cloudy night, and shimmered just enough that his tipsy brain was transported back to summers in Canada under the stars. His voice seemed far off when he spoke again.  


“Near the end, when we were chasing Saren and the battles seemed to come thick and fast, she’d sit with me in the dark after if the migraines were bad. You know how much she likes her old music, and she’d hum her favourite songs quietly as she played with my hair. I should feel embarrassed that I let her carry on even once the meds had kicked in, but I don’t. It was a quiet connection that I can’t remember ever having with anyone else.”  


He swallowed, shocked at the way his mouth was running away from him, blaming it on the alcohol rather than the rush of relief that came by giving words to what he’d been feeling. He couldn’t stop now, the dull static at the other end of the call making it easy to spill his secrets.  


“I don’t want to lose her, Joker. We haven’t had enough time. She has this cluster of freckles on her right shoulder blade. The first time I kissed it she laughed and twisted round, her nose scrunched up and from then I decided to make her smile whenever I could just so she would look at me like that again.”  


Kaidan closed his eyes and tilted his head back. To his relief, his head didn’t swim, so he was well on the way to sobering up. He grew quiet, his voice low with the melancholy that came with drinking too much mixing with a vicious ache in his chest of words left unsaid.  


“I need to tell her, Joker. I haven’t. But I should.”  


“Kaidan.”  


It took half a moment for him to realise two things, his brain struggling to keep up. The first thing that registered was that it was definitely not Joker’s voice, followed closely by the fact that the Not-Joker voice wasn’t coming from his comm, but rather from somewhere behind him. He heard the telltale beeps in his ear that signaled the call had ended. Taking a shaky breath, he turned to face her.  


Shepard stood less than six feet away from him. Slowly, she lowered her omni tool as he blinked at her.  


She licked her lips and gave a small smile. “Should I take you mistaking me for Joker as a compliment or an insult?”  


He ignored her joke, too befuddled to pay it any attention. “What are you doing here, Shepard?”  


Her weight shifted slightly; if he didn’t know any better he might say that she was nervous.  


“You pinged me your location earlier, asked me to come by for a beer. I thought it may have been an olive branch until you called me. Or, called Joker, I guess.”  


“You heard the whole thing? Why didn’t you say anything?” He stepped closer to her, a touch cautious.  


“I didn’t want to give the game away. It seemed you really hit your stride there.” Her smile grew slightly as he reached her, and she didn’t hesitate to rest her hands on his arms, smoothing the sleeves gently with her thumbs.  


“Kida, I-” Kaidan’s hands squeezed her hips lightly, his voice tinged with awe that she’d come all this way on a whim.  


“Shh, I know.” Shepard brushed his nose with her own. “I adore you, too.”  


**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this prompt a good five years ago hoping someone would write it then forgot about it pretty quickly. Recently, I came across it again and decided to have a go at writing it myself! 
> 
> "I want a fic where Kaidan and Shepard have a stupid fight post me1 and they go their separate ways and Kaidan gets drunk and calls Joker and rants about Shepard and how he fucked up because she’s closed off sometimes and she evades getting serious about them with witty quips and cold glances but she also makes this cute face when she laughs and if he can’t sleep with a migraine, she’ll hum to him and plays with his hair in the darkness and she has a cluster of freckles on her right shoulder blade he hasn’t kissed enough times yet and he admits on the phone to Joker that he loves her, that he’s in love with her and then he hears her voice on the other end exhale his name and he realises he called her instead by habit and she whispers that she just might love him too"
> 
> Once again, this piece wouldn't see the light of day without Pigeon and their long fics inspiring me to write, check them out!


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